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Monday, March 8, 2010

6 months later..

When your name comes across my phone, I get sick to my stomach. It's been almost 6 months, and now you decide it is the right moment to pop back into my life. Time has gone on, and I've moved on. We haven't been together is 2 years. I had gotten to the point that I didn't think about you everyday,and I only sometimes though of the memories we made together.

I know we were friends before we even talked about dating. We were best friends and some would say inseparable. I understand that those memories started back in 10th grade, but sometimes I wish I didn't share them with you. The best friend I knew in 10th grade would never hurt me, and he always told me that I deserved the best. It's almost as if I see you as 2 different people... The one that was my best buddy, and the guy that broke my heart.

Why do you feel the need to be in my life after everything that has gone on? I know we promised to be friends if everything didn't' work out, but that's a promise I will never make again. It's just to hard to act like nothing ever happen. You ended things that wasn't my decision, but yours alone. That's a choice you made in which I had nothing to do with it. Why do you still need me in your life? You have someone else.. Why can't you just let things be?

Now that I think about things, she probably has no clue about me, however; you proceed to talk to me all day until you go home. I start to wonder why do I even allow that, but I feel guilty because of the promise I made.

You haven't contacted me in almost 6 months.. Why now? Can you just answer that one question?

Because I'm your best friend, and that you love me isn't a good enough reason anymore.

I guess these are something in life I will never understand, and sometime I wish things could be like the old days.... Getting out of school early to go eat at the local restaurants in town (Not that there were many) with all of our friends, running to the hardware store during school hours (without being checked-out) to get stuff for our school play set, and going to Senior Prom together. Those are the days I will never forget.

These random occurrences make me question God in a way that I really don't want too. I wonder at times why does God keep letting you come back into my life? I mean does God want me to stand up for what I deserve or what I feel I deserve? Will you only respect me if I respect myself? and if I choose you... Will it be all of you and NONE of me?
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Just my thoughts.. I'm normally not this candid with what I'm thinking, but there it is. It's my feelings on a situation that has been going on for sometime now (meaning over 2 years). I just needed to get these feelings off my chest... Thanks, Jes!


Tyler said...

aww girl! I have been in a situation like that (werent best friends before though) and it is so very tough! I hated it! My heart hurt so bad for him but at the same time I knew I needed to push him away.. nothing nobody says can help you make that decision you have to totally become fed up enough to push him away. I will be praying for ya.. this is a tough spot to be in. I am here if I can help in any way :)

Courtney said...

Don't ever question God. Look at it as an attack from Satan. God is giving you free will and hopefully clarity to make a good decision. Pray for that clarity. Know that many prayers are going up for you now. Hang in there!

harmonysong said...

This is some hard stuff, and you have to stand up for what it right for YOU. Not him. Of course you still care about him, but you can't let that care overtake taking care of yourself. He has to move on. You have to move on- again. The best thing you can do is set up boundaries and stick to them 100% of the time!

If you do what's right for you, it will be the right thing for him in the end.

malmalsthoughtsandsuch said...

#1...I can finally read the blog now w/no issues from my computer. & #2...I love you and I'm here sis. We just got off the phone discussin' this but I also want you to know that I'm praying for ya. Just remember...Don't be scared to do what you HAVE to do!!! Love, Mal

happygal said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. But I give you a lot of credit for being so open and honest about it.

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