"Lately I've been thinking about this. being a faker. or faking it rather. no not like in Seinfeld when Elaine says she faked it. not THAT way but do you fake being happy? I've been thinking about that because i do fake it.
I'm kinda of socially awkward a lot of the time and I never used to be like that but the last few years it just happened like that I'm super quiet and shy sometimes and I just feel uncomfortable around a lot of people. not necessarily cause they are bad people but just cause I dunno what to say and I am a pretty private person most of the time. so that's why.
My friend and I were kind of having a rough patch and we were talking about how I'm not social and he said but you're fine when you get there. and I thought about that for a few days and the other night i was like do you remember when you asked me that. well I'm fine cause I fake it. and its true I do. and on Sunday when i was at church people ask how you are right. and I said I was good. totally a lie I know but i was faking it just so I don't have to really say how I feel. cause I'm the type of person who closes up super easily to guard my feelings and not be super vulnerable and stuff. So I guess maybe that's why I fake it also cause I'm super private but still.
It kind of made me wonder how many other people really do fake it. I mean can you really be that happy ALL the time? really?
Now its been awhile since I first wrote this post. and I've totally seen a change in this its like a complete 180. back then I was in a weird/bad place and I wasn't quite sure how to get out of that. and I really didn't get myself out of it. God sure did though, and no matter how much I fought certain things happening, He got me through it and honestly I feel so much stronger for it. sometimes its hard to read things I've written in the past, but now when I do I can see how much I've grown and continue to grow. I'm in such a better place now and for that I am truly grateful and blessed."